Taxi
by amelexie
Summary: Set from 7x10 and beyond. Several ficlets on how Mark and Lexie get back together that one night they kissed at Joe's
1. Chapter 1

**Note: Some parts are a bit AU and stray from the usual timeline on the show.**

 **Song: Taxi - EXES**

 _—_

 _I know it'll break me_

 _So go slow, I wanna daydream_

He leans toward you, close, but not close enough for suspicion. You try to continue charting, but the feel of his breath on your neck unnerves you, you almost drop your pen. _How on earth does he still have this effect on you?_

"See you tonight?"

You nod subtly, before closing the chart in front of you. Yesterday, it took so much of your energy to push him away and tell him you both don't work. Then he kisses you in the middle of your whole speech of why not, and you turn into mush. The consequences of this is something you'll think about later. But for now, it's good. So good that you may have just dived back in headfirst again.

You were never a slow learner, in school. Not even in life. But with him, it's different. You have become one of those people now. _Love really does make people stupid._

—

 _As it snows_

 _We're sipping wine, late night, at the bar you like on seventeenth_

You never go to Joe's anymore.

Ever since you started seeing him again, you've both found a new bar a few blocks away, somewhere away from the prying eyes of your co-workers. It was no Joe's, but it wasn't always packed with people because it was out of the way.

But tonight it was closed, so you went to Joe's instead — and separately. You sit by the bar, and he sits a couple stools away from you a few minutes later. The seats between you were empty, and you're tempted to jump over to his arms and kiss him senseless.

You wonder how it got hard. How you both work so well only when it's in secret. Then you realize you don't care how or why — as long as it works.

—

 _And you know how to touch me_

 _And you know about the old me_

"So Lex, I was thinking, maybe you wanna grab a drink sometime?"

Both yours and Mark's heads whip towards Jackson, both plastered with a surprised expression. You can't tell if it's from the nickname he just called you or the question itself.

Almost everyone was working on this one patient who fell off the twentieth floor, and he just ambushed you with this question out of nowhere. Your mouth goes dry, unsure of how to let him down easy. You blink a couple times, before finally finding the right words to say. "I am kind of... seeing someone."

"No, you're not." Meredith says, wearing an amused expression on her face. You glare at your sister then, hoping it makes her back off. _Oh, but yes I am._

"Oh shit. Oh, she is! Look at her face!" Cristina says out of nowhere, and everyone looks at you. Your face burns up and you can just tell you are _so damn red_ right now. "Who is it?!"

Mark clears his throat, then, taking everyone's attention away from you. You mentally thank him. "I'm pretty sure that's her way of saying no, Avery."

Meredith's eyes go a little wider then, but not wide enough for everyone to notice, and turns to you. She pulls you aside an hour later after the patient was taken to CT and asks about it. _You just got busted._

—

 _As it snows_

 _We're wasting time, late night, like we used to do at seventeen_

He throws his head back in laughter, eyes squeezed shut.

This is how you always remembered him, when you were broken up. You remember that image of him from that one night years ago, before Sloan, before that incident with Derek.

When you were just in Archfield with him, in bed, naked, and talking for hours, exchanging life stories. You both had the day off the next day, so staying up late wasn't a problem. You were surprised, however, at the lack of sex tonight. It was done only once, and when he held you after that, and whispered _tell me things about you_ , talking was all you've been doing.

He finds you funny, and it warms you inside. When his eyes are on yours, listening intently on everything you have to say, you're gone. You forget what self-control is, and you're close — on the verge, even — of falling for this man.

—

 _Do you still feel the wistful way that I do?_

 _Maybe we can go back, do you wanna?_

"I miss you."

A whisper, so low under his breath, that you probably wouldn't have heard it if you weren't so close to him. He kissed you. It was so unreal, that your body was lit back on fire, craving for whatever it is that that kiss just gave you. So much that you had to send Jackson away when he intervened (just like you asked him to earlier).

And you know. You know he misses you. He's said it so many times while you were broken up, pulling at you little by little, and you're just waiting for a point when those three words finally come meaningless to you, but it never did.

This is a start again. You just know deep down that this is. It's you and Mark. Once you start, you'll find it hard to stop. And you know where this ends — you heartbroken in the bathroom while your sister picks up the pieces. Your mind debates over its next move, but your mouth has other plans —

"I miss you too."

—

 _Kiss me in the taxi_

 _Elevate my heartbeat_

 _Winter and the night is cool_

 _But I can feel your hot heat_

Your shirt is almost all the way up, your bra exposed and his hands tugging at the hems. His mouth is hot on your neck. You laugh as you put your hands on his, urging him to stop.

"We're in a cab, we can't." Your teeth find the lobe of his ear as you whispered, and his subtle shiver makes you almost push him down and do it right here, right now. "Not yet."

Mark pulls away and looks at you, his eyes dark and his mouth twitching into a smirk. _God, he's beautiful._

He's beautiful and sweet... and yours once. But somehow, you've been torn apart, and you can't find your way back to each other anymore. Your footing lost, except for the hookups you both have from time to time. And it makes you crazy from the constant back and forth, the constant pushing and pulling.

This time, however... this time you're determined.

—

 _Tell me that you want me_

 _Even though you got me_

 _Maybe I might fall in love tonight inside the backseat_

"I want you."

You look up from the pancakes you were making and smile. You've both built a pretty good routine off of the several nights you've both had everytime you sleep over at his place. On your morning-afters, he always insists on you staying for breakfast before you leave. Today, you're returning the favor.

"You have me, Mark." You tilt your head to the side, endearingly. It's true. Even if you're both just friends with benefits, he always has you. A part of you always belongs to him, untouched by the rest of the world.

"No, I mean, I want you, Lex." He rubs his jaw nervously, his eyes never leaving yours. "I... want you back. I want to date. I want to... I want us to go out. I want to kiss you in the hospital, without being afraid of everyone knowing. I don't want to keep you a secret. I want everyone to know. You're not someone I want to hide. You're... I'm still in love with you."

Your hand reaches on the counter to get a grip, but you instead grab onto the bowl with the batter and it all falls down to the floor. The breath you were holding escapes you all at once from the loud clattering.

He walks over to help you out, and before he could lean down, you grab his face and kiss him, hard.

"You _have_ me."

—

 _I tried to replace it_

 _My drunk nights couldn't erase it_

It was over a year ago when you broke up for the first time, over Sloan and her baby. He chose them, and the pain that caused you ripped you apart. Then you both came clean about sleeping with different people, and it was _done_.

The destruction was so bad, you changed yourself completely. Your hair, your plans, your life. You went back to sleeping with Alex Karev, for god's sake. Rock-bottom was what Meredith called it. A cry for help.

You made yourself believe, for months, that you were having feelings for Alex. That you've moved on. It was just sex, really. Something to numb you, a momentary loss of pain. You almost thought you forgot about _him_.

Then you found out that he slept with Reed. _Reed! Of all people._ And then you're back on square one, getting drunk on tequila with Meredith, and pushing Alex (who is your boyfriend at the time) aside.

You clawed your way out of that rut, and when _he_ came out of nowhere and told you he's still in love with you, it caught you completely off-guard. _How do you go back to the way that it was the first time?_

It breaks your heart. You love him. You always have. And you got broken apart before you even had the chance to tell him.

—

 _Your blue eyes making me tongue-tied_

 _Got me shy like every time we meet_

"Okay, just stitch up the rest of the cuts, and I take it you can handle treating the burns? If you still remember what I taught you."

His eyes pierce through yours, and your breath hitches on your throat. It has been a while since he's even attempted eye contact with you since he made fun of your blonde hair a month ago. Nothing comes out of your mouth when you opened it, so you resort to nodding.

He leaves to see to another patient, and your heart clenches at how indifferent he is to you now.

"You gotta stop staring sometime, Lexie."

You almost jump, startled at the sudden voice coming from behind you. Meredith moves beside you, laughing as you focus back down on stitching your patient's cut.

"I wasn't staring."

 _You're with Alex now. You're with Alex now. Repeat until you don't forget._

—

 _As we ride, hands are laying_

 _On your thighs, while you keep saying_

The silence is killing you. You haven't talked to each other since last night and you're pretty sure you're about to go insane. Being confined in this car just you and him is not any help either.

"My patient today looked alot like Enrique Iglesias. So many nurses swarmed right outside his room, it was funny."

No response.

"He had a triple A. It was massive. I swear we almost used up all the lap pads from the supply closet."

Silence.

"I miss you." You almost sounded like you were pleading. For anything. A grunt, a roll of the eyes, _anything_.

You watch him as he turns the block, a different direction from home. It was the familiar route towards your favorite Italian restaurant. You almost smile, knowing you got through him. He sighs quietly, and finally gives in. "So what happened?"

His hand rests on your thigh, and you lace his fingers with yours.

—

 _My brown eyes making you feel right_

 _Got you high like every time we meet_

"You guys really should dial down on... _all this_." Callie says, her face twisting in mock disgust.

Mark laughs, sipping on the cup of coffee you just gave him. His shift was just starting, and yours was coming to an end. You usually linger a little longer to spend time with him before going home.

"I was just giving him coffee!" You smile, and say hi to his best friend.

"You mean coffee and all that sexual energy. When you're together, the air just smells like sex. It's disgusting." Callie says before getting her charts from the nurse and leaving.

He turns to you and gives you a kiss on the cheek. "I missed you last night."

"I know. I hate the night shift." You lean over the nurses' station, putting the charts back where you got them.

You couldn't wait to go home, since last night was pretty rough. But thinking of how you'll be alone until the next few hours before you start another night shift makes you wanna just stay here instead.

You turn to look at Mark and his eyes were still on you, making you laugh softly. "What?"

"I'm a lucky man." He smiles, kissing you one more time before turning to walk away for rounds. "Drive home safe."

—

 _Maybe we could go back, do you wanna?_

 _Hit pause, rewind the drama_

You were his second choice. Again.

He got Callie pregnant, and chose to go down that road _again_ instead of saving what you have. _Who knew this would hurt worse the second time around?_

You broke up with him right after he told you, anger and hurt taking over your entire being. Now you pass by him in the hallways with your head down, avoiding eye contact every single time.

Right now, however, you were stuck alone with him inside an elevator for five floors. You stand towards the corner, making sure to be as far away from him as possible.

"I love you." He breaks the silence, his back still facing you. Your breath gets caught in your throat at the confession. At the irony of it, at the timing. "I know it's over, but... I don't want you to wonder. I thought you should know."

You close your eyes as his words ring in your ears. It was everything you needed. All you could hold onto for now. Maybe one day you could try again, when things are better. But for now, this is where you both stand.

The elevator dings and it's time for you to go. He stays standing where he is, while you start walking out. Your arm accidentally brushes on his, and it takes everything in you to blink back your tears.

"Mark?" You couldn't resist as you turn back and he hurries to press the open button again to stop the closing doors. His eyes were hopeful and your heart breaks a little more, because your next words are anything but.

"I'm sorry we couldn't work it out."


	2. Chapter 2

_You're flying._

Between running straight from the residents' lounge to the emergency room doors, dodging every single person on the way and getting cursed at by some, you just had to be there. Jackson catches up behind you, holding a trauma gown for you to wear.

"Ma... Where's Mark?" Your mouth barely forms the words. Everyone looks away from you, the air somewhat somber. He appears a few minutes later, in a panicked state. Your heart aches. _You've never seen him like this before._

When Callie was pulled out of the ambulance, your eyes go straight to him. His face displayed shock and disbelief, as he steps back, his hand on his forehead. Jackson says something to you about feeling her abdomen, and you pull your eyes away from Mark.

 _Hang in there_ , you whisper. You don't know who you're saying it to: him, Callie or the baby.

—

"She's beautiful."

He turns to look at you, a smile breaking on his face. You walk closer to him, to get a closer look at Sofia, who is sleeping in his arms. A year has passed since Callie's accident and Sofia's birth, and so many things have changed since then.

"I'm... sorry about hitting your girlfriend with a ball the other day. I really thought she was stealing second."

Mark laughs softly. "No, you didn't."

You look at him, confused, before you realized how he knew. _He just does._ It was a thing with you two. Knowing each other so well, almost like you're physically, mentally and emotionally connected (even to this day). How you were stupid enough to let that get away, you'll never know.

"I really miss you. Sometimes it hits me bad." The confession comes out of your mouth out of nowhere, making you feel even more vulnerable.

"I know. Me too."

—

You throw yourself down on the couch right beside Meredith. The heels you kicked off moments ago are all over the floor and she reprimands you for it.

"Dating sucks. I hate meeting new people. It's just... you ever get that feeling where you like meet this person and then five minutes later you just know it's off?"

Meredith snorts beside you and keeps folding laundry. "Maybe if you stop looking for Mark in every guy you meet, you'd find someone who'll work."

You push her off the couch then and a loud and angry _Lexie!_ follows. It annoys you that she knows you so well. After the many times she's pushed you to call him or confess to him, it's probably just right that she does. Meredith dusts herself off and sits back on the couch.

"You could just tell him, you know. Or not. Julia's incredible. Derek and I are in love with her."

 _Just like everybody else, apparently_. You roll your eyes at your sister. "I don't even know if he still likes me. Let alone _love_ me. He never... I mean, the entire duration of it all, he never told me he loved me. Except for that one time in the elevator when we were broken up but, that could've been just him feeling sorry for me being sad and alone. Which he caused once again, or maybe I did for walking out, but I told him I love him. And that would've been the perfect time to say it back but he waited until it was over? Oh my god. It's a pity I love you. Do you think it was a pity I love you?"

"Lexie. Stop rambling. I love you, but I honestly can't talk to you anymore if you are this dense."

—

 _Everything hurts._

You drag your feet towards the familiar blue door, and knock. There was laughter coming from the other side of the door, and the bright and happy sound hurts you too.

Julia opens the door, her wide smile turning into confusion in an instant at your present state. Tears have been continuously falling from your eyes since you got the news, and you stepped out of the house in nothing but _his_ old Columbia sweatshirt and teeny tiny shorts. (The cold air outside still has you shivering even with the heating from the building turned up so high). Your hair was probably a mess too.

She opens the door wider, and your eyes fly straight to the table where Mark and two other people (who are all staring at you) are sitting, and you realize you may have just ruined dinner. "I'm... I'm sorry. I..."

You start turning away just as you see Mark standing up and walking towards you. Your feet start moving a little faster, and you almost reach the elevators when he pulls you gently by your arm. "Hey. Hey. Lex, what's wrong?"

A sob escapes your mouth and he pulls you into his arms. _Everything hurts._ "My dad died."

"Oh, Lexie." He hugs you even tighter, and you find comfort in the warmth of this physical contact. The struggle to find home has long started, and everything has been taken from you piece by piece, but this feeling, this piece, is always going to be yours.

 _Everything hurts, but I'm home._

—

It was a year ago after a series of Callie's surgeries from the crash when you found him sat in the attendings' lounge, staring at his joined hands in silent prayer.

"I'm heading home. You sure you're okay?" You ask as you run your fingers through his hair, an affectionate habit you can't quite get rid of.

It was a long day, and as much as you want to stay in and look out for him, you can't. You have Jackson now. You allowed yourself to get sucked back in just for today, but you know deep inside that you can't keep doing this.

He nods, taking your hand in his and kissing it softly. Current travels right through your entire body, but you somehow manage to stay still. "Thank you."

"No matter how messy it gets, or how badly we hate each other, you can always come to me, Mark. For anything. We look out for each other. That's what we do."

Your heart clenches as he smiles (a little one) for what seemed like the first time today.

—

"Julia wants to have a baby."

Your throat closes for a second and you almost spit out all the water you were drinking in the process. He laughs, offering his bottle to you.

You shake your head no, as you try to absorb the information you were just given. "Are you going to...?"

"I don't know."

"Are you going to marry her? Because having a baby, that's like... the same thing."

"I don't know."

"It's a lifetime commitment, Mark. I know you're ready for that, but, are you?"

"I don't know."

"Well then, what do you know?" Frustration was evident in your voice. You just want an answer. Somehow, this thing between you two has lingered for years and you just want a warning if it is in fact, time to cut it off completely.

He looks at you, and sighs deeply. "I _was_ ready to do it... with you. When I picture a white picket fence and a happy family, the only clear faces that I see in that picture is you and me. So I don't know, Lex. I don't know if I want to get rid of that. Should I?"

 _No._ "Yes."

—

You sit on the couch, miserable, as Meredith paces back and forth in front of you, yelling at you for being _stupid_ once again. Your hand holds on to the bottle of tequila tightly, as your sister starts to blur out right in front of you.

"Do you realize what you just did? Lexie, he gave you the choice to put an end to this misery but instead here you are! _Again!_ Why... I don't understand you at all!"

Derek walks in the front door, and puts his coat on the rack, watching you and your sister with a confused look. He picks up on her words after a while and gives you a sympathetic look.

Meredith finally sits down beside you and takes a huge gulp from the bottle in your hands. You lean your head on her shoulder, thankful you have someone who cares about you enough to call you out when you're being stupid. But what's done is done.

"I'm scared. What if... I'm never gonna want kids, Mer? What if I do make him wait and that feeling is never gonna come? Me and him, that's enough for me. But Julia... she can give him more than that. And he deserves more than that."

"I thought I wasn't gonna change, either. I was more afraid of commitment than you are. He _loves_ you, Lexie. Sometimes that's enough."

"Sometimes it isn't."

Meredith puts an arm around you comfortingly. "In this case, it is. Just think about it."

—

A year ago, you were both in bed, tangled up in each other and bathed in post-orgasmic bliss. You move to nuzzle up against the crook of his neck and he smiles.

"I like this. Just us. No Sloan... no offense. No co-workers waiting for us to mess this up again. Just you and me and lots and lots of hot sex."

He laughs. A low rumble vibrating right under you and you close your eyes and take all this in. It wasn't a long time ago when you both rekindled what you had (the sex at least) in secret, two weeks to be precise. But this morning, you decided to go full swing with this relationship, even though you've been into it too deep before he even asked.

"Are you... happy?" You ask, smiling up at him, even when his eyes are closed and he couldn't see you.

"Very. This is all I ever wanted, Lex. This is enough for me."

Your face breaks into the biggest smile, and for the first time in a long time, you go to sleep happy.

—

You walk straight into the attendings' lounge, but not before checking to see if he's the only person inside. He was shirtless, in the process of changing into his scrubs.

"Doctor Grey." His tone was clipped, far from the usual endearing, sometimes playful tone he uses when he calls you _Lex_.

"Just listen. I was wrong, okay? I want this. I want you. And if you're willing to wait for me to get there, I'm all in. I'm scared as hell but I'm all in. I love you." The distance between you closes and your hands are on his face, and he leans his forehead on yours. "I love you."

"Lex, I—"

The door suddenly opens and you both jump and let go of each other. Arizona enters and gives you and Mark a confused look. He quickly puts his scrub top on while you blush and quickly make something up. "Uh, thank you! F-for showing me where Meredith's um, Meredith's coat is, Doctor Ma- Doctor um... Thank you."

You turn towards the door and walk away. You were about to turn the corner when you hear Arizona say, "Julia's pregnant! Oh, I'm so happy!"

 _And your world collapses._


	3. Chapter 3

You sit alone at the new bar (the one that isn't Joe's, the one you _both_ like), staring blankly at the shot of tequila the bartender has just placed right in front of you.

 _Why does every bad thing happen to you twice?_

It's been a long day and you want nothing more than to be away from the happy chattering of your co-workers about _his_ baby and Meredith and Derek's sympathetic looks and attempts to comfort you. You're just tired: of feeling this way, of being left behind, of everything. And tequila usually helps, so here you are.

"Knew I'd find you here."

You didn't have to look to see who it was, your heart dropped the second you got a hint of his scent. There was nothing else to say. Everything was clear as day. _This_ could never be anymore.

"I'm sorry. I meant to tell you earlier, but Arizona was... I'm sorry, Lex."

"So this is it?" You finally find the strength to make eye contact with him. To see if he's hurting like you are when he tells you it's over.

 _But he isn't_. How could he? He's having a baby. He has everything he wants. It's only you who's left with nothing.

"This is it." He confirms, his voice quiet as he gauges your next reaction. Instead, you just sit still. The hollow feeling in your chest stretches out to your entire body until all you feel is numbness.

"'Kay. Cool." You down the shot of tequila and the liquid burns your throat, but you ask for another.

On the corner of your eye, you can see him watching your every move. "Do you want a ride home? It's late."

"That's not your job anymore, is it?" The smirk you give him is sour, almost hostile.

Instead of making his way out, he sits beside you the entire night. He doesn't say anything, doesn't drink, doesn't leave. He's just... there. Keeping you company.

When you wake up the next morning (in your bed, surprisingly), a note was left on your bedside table.

 _Always here if you need me, even though you hate me._

—

"Are you alright?"

You scoff as you look down at your hands and focus on the scrubbing. Derek was just being nice by asking, surely. But you really just prefer to close yourself off and deal with this alone rather than giving your co-workers more things to talk about.

"He's gone back to smoking." He takes a glance at you, before looking back down on his scrubbing hands. You sigh as your eyes focus on the bubbles on the sink. _He's hurting too._

He smoked when things got too much for him. It was something he did to alleviate the stress. His own coping mechanism — just like sex. But for worse things. The last time he got back to it was when his mother died, but he's stopped since.

"Just talk to him, Lexie. Anything that'll help. He listens to you."

You prop your hands up when you were finished, ready to walk inside the OR. "You should really be talking to Julia about this. Not me."

—

"SURPRISE!"

His face lights up as he sees everyone, and Julia walks towards him first and kisses him. You stand at the very back, wanting to stay unnoticed.

You don't even know why you're here. Meredith and Derek dragged you, despite your insistence on staying in and watching over Zola. _You never go out anymore_ , they said.

Mark makes his way to everyone, hugging and thanking them all for coming. You quickly make your way to where the food is, making sure you appear distracted, and not waiting for _a hug_ , like everyone else.

"Hey. You're here." He's suddenly beside you, smiling. It's been over a month since you both talked, let alone been in the same room as each other. So when you turned to face him, it almost knocks the wind right out of you.

"Yeah. I am. Happy birthday." You hug him, and he hugs you back tightly. And then it suddenly hits you, like a sharp stab to the gut. You've been fine this past month, turning all the emotions into manageable anger. Now all you want to do is break down.

You quickly pull away and give him a small smile before you lock yourself in the bathroom. It was like all of a sudden, you couldn't breathe. You sit on the floor and bury your head between your knees, hoping it'll make you feel better. Nothing works.

 _I just feel crushed without you._

—

Ever since your newfound suffering, you've been staying up late at Joe's with Alex, drinking the nights away. You barely get any sleep before your shifts start so you both just end up getting banana bags and rushing to work right after.

Today however, you both have not had the time to get sobered up thanks to the huge trauma that just came in. You walk into the trauma room you got assigned in and end up face to face with Mark and Arizona.

"Ohhhhh great." You shakily put gloves on, your feet unsteady beneath you.

"Doctor Grey. Are you _drunk_?" Arizona asks, and Mark looks up at you. You ignored her and walked towards the patient anyway. " _Doctor Grey_. You are not touching this patient. Get out, and go home. You smell terrible."

You step back and raise your hands up in surrender, with a roll of your eyes. The alcohol has made you brave.

And now, nauseous. You grip your belly when the contents of your stomach suddenly go up and almost land on the patient.

"LEXIE!"

A few hours later, you step out of the chief's office with Alex, who apparently also almost vomited on his patient. Mark was waiting for you by the runway, furious. "What the hell was that?!"

"I didn't mean to, okay? I was gonna go get sobered up and th—"

"You shouldn't have insisted on treating the kid in the first place! You should've gone out of the room like Robbins said!" Everyone was staring now, and the humiliation makes you wanna just shrink into a corner and hide. You avoid eye contact, and just stare at your feet. "Or better yet _you_ should've just gone home!"

He finally sighs after a while, and puts his hands on your arms. His voice turns softer. "Lex. This isn't you. You're a better doctor than this. You can always come to me for anything. That's what we said, right?"

 _How am I supposed to tell him that after all this time, I'm still in pieces?_ "It was a mistake. I'm sorry. Tell Arizona that too."

—

Relief washes over you as you remove your heels and change into your fluffy house slippers. Laughter was coming from the dining room so you walk over there to say hello to your sister and brother-in-law.

"Hey guys!" You say before stepping in, only to find them on a double dinner date with your ex and his pregnant girlfriend. "Oh. We have guests."

Meredith smiles at you, motioning for you to eat dinner with them. You shake your head no and say you already ate. "How was your date with... Martin, that's his name, right?"

Mark's head shoots up and his eyes meet yours. You scratch the back of your neck anxiously, not knowing how to make this conversation stop.

Before you could find a way out of this awkward situation, Derek joins in and supplements to his wife's questioning. "Oh. You're still seeing that guy? What is it, like fourth date now?"

"Ah, I'm... going to my room. Nice seeing you guys." Julia gives a little wave with her fork at you, while Mark just stayed focused on his plate.

 _You're allowed to see anyone, but why do you feel so guilty?_ The thing with Mark has ended months ago. He's with Julia, and you're seeing somebody else.

 _It shouldn't feel like cheating, but why does being with anyone who isn't him, feel like it is?_

—

"I'm sorry. About that incident a couple months ago."

A cup of coffee was placed right in front of you, and you look at it for a second before looking back down on your patient's chart.

"I really... I really miss you." He says softly, and a shiver runs down your spine. "Being your friend, I mean."

Your heart drops. How many more times can your heart be crushed in a span of a year? _Being your friend, I mean. Being your friend, I mean. Being your friend, I mean. It plays over and over in your head._

"This... Martin. Is he good to you? Are you happy?"

The knot in your stomach tightens, until you couldn't stop yourself anymore. "No, I'm not. I'm heartbroken. But I am trying _so_ hard to get better and I can't if you keep lingering in every corner giving me coffee and... talking about our friendship or whatever. You didn't love me, I get it. But just... don't throw into my face how fine and happy you are. When I clearly am not. Please just stay the hell away from me."

And that got you another couple weeks of static silence and nothingness from him.

—

The word traveled quickly and it's all everyone talks about in this hospital. Everywhere you turn, you hear it: _she left him._

Even Derek and Meredith talk about it at home, in hushed voices, thinking you don't have a single clue about what they're talking about. Your heart breaks for him, for going through this again.

You don't know how it happened, but you find yourself standing in front of his door. Shuffling comes from the other side of the door after you knocked, and when the door opens, you let out a defeated sigh.

He was a mess. The dark circles under his eyes were prominent, making him look older than he is.

"I heard. I'm so sorry."

His arms just pull you to him, and he buries his face on the crook of your neck. You hug him tightly, feeling his tears run down your shoulder.

You stay over that night, watching him sleep. You think about how you both went from having everything to suddenly nothing. How you both chased the best things in your life away. How everything changed in the blink of an eye. And how after everything only one thing has stayed the same — how you feel about him.

You kiss his jaw before finally laying your head on his chest and wait for sleep to come take you.


	4. Chapter 4

"Do we even know why she left?"

You walk to where Meredith and Derek are, ignoring the words you just heard. This is the first time you've been home since three days ago when you stayed over at Mark's. He's been having a tough time, and you and Callie have now decided to take turns being on Mark watch.

"Hey, you're home." Meredith says, then eyes your bag. "Are you... staying over there again?"

You grab her cup of coffee, and drink from it, earning yourself another _Lexie!_ that had Derek smiling in amusement. "Yeah. He's in a rough patch, I just have to be there, you know?"

"Do we know why she left?" She asks, repeating the very words you heard a few minutes ago.

"He doesn't really talk about it. And even if I knew, I wouldn't tell you. You're a gossip." You tease, handing back her coffee.

You're planning to leave your stuff at his apartment before going to work, so you hurry towards the door. It takes a few seconds for Derek to catch up to you.

"Oh, Lexie! Martin called. Something about... an event tonight?"

"Crap. I totally forgot. Just... blow him off. Make something up, I don't care. Blow him off. Bye! See you at work!"

—

You spend the night sitting on the living room eating popcorn with him, while watching a rerun of Friends.

He went back to work today, and so far he's doing better. Meredith thought you'd be going back home, after she saw him in the hospital. _He's back to normal_ , she said. _Zo keeps looking for you._

His laugh rings in your ears, and you just had to look at him. You smile at how genuinely happy he looks at the moment, even if you weren't the one who caused it.

"Not that I am pushing you away, but you really don't need to be here anymore. I'm fine, Lex." He faces you, a hint of a smile appearing on his lips.

"I know. But I want to." You smile back, and he turns his head back to the television.

Your sister calls you later that night, sparking a realization inside you that leaves you crying in the bathroom.

 _You're still there because you're expecting again, Lexie. You're expecting him to come back to you. That isn't always the case. I always supported this relationship in everything, but right now I want more for you. You deserve more. Come home._

—

Two years ago, long before you and Mark have first broken up, you've both talked about the future. It wasn't even done jokingly, you discussed it like it was something _casual_ , a topic you tackle all the time.

 _A girl and two boys,_ he said. You laugh as you tell him you want more. You want a big house with lots of children and you want nothing but to fill your house with their laughter all day long.

Who would've thought that that same thing would cause you two to break up over and over again? Children you thought you were ready for, but weren't. The future you promised him, but you couldn't quite keep.

 _I never really thought of having a family_ , he said. _But right now, I can see it all so clearly. I don't think I want anything more._

 _Me too,_ you whispered.

Or so you thought.

—

"Lex! Hey. Hold up!"

His hand blocked the closing elevator doors and he steps in, giving you a warm smile. You return it, hoping yours look at least half as convincing as you intend it to be.

"Wanna grab dinner before we head home?"

You open your mouth, unable to articulate what you were going to say. Derek promised to tell him, to save you from the confrontation, but it turns out he didn't. Your hand anxiously scratches the back of your neck before you stuff it back in the pocket of your hoodie.

"Actually, I'm meeting up with Martin for dinner. And... I'm going back home to Mer's. I mean... you're okay now, right?"

A flash of disappointment crosses his face, but it's gone almost as quickly as it came. "Oh. Yeah, that's... I'm good. You don't... wanna be there anymore?"

The elevator doors open as if on cue and Martin is standing on the wall right outside. You give Mark an apologetic look, not knowing how else to respond to his question.

"It's just not my place anymore."

—

You find him sitting alone in an OR gallery, watching a rather uninteresting routine appendectomy.

You take the seat next to him and hand him a cupcake. "You didn't come to my little birthday food fest, so I saved you one."

He smiles at the gesture, puts an arm around you and kisses your temple. "Happy birthday."

Your hand rests on his leg, somehow easing your desperate need for contact. It didn't take much for you to be happy, that much you've known for years. But ditching Martin (who you broke up with and who your sister invited for god knows what reason) in the party a few minutes ago for "surgery" when all you were actually going to do was look for Mark... Meredith would call it _a whole new low._

"You really ditched me for an appy? I'm insulted."

He laughs as he takes a bite from the cupcake. The amusement was evident in his eyes, making you unable to resist smiling back at him.

"To be fair, I just got out of surgery ten minutes ago. I thought your thing was over by then."

"Hmm." You muse teasingly.

He laughs again, and rubs the back of your neck. It was something he used to do to relax you, knowing how much you like it. It probably relaxed you way too much this time for you to be on the verge of doing a little confession. "I ditched Martin... to come find you. And all I could hear in my head is your voice telling me I'm pathetic."

"Lex..." His eyes look at yours endearingly, you could almost melt right then and there. "It's your birthday. Do whatever you want. Spend it with whoever you want."

Later that night, you find yourself having pizza and wine with him, Callie and Arizona. It was the first time you've felt completely free and _you_ in quite a while, and it's exhilarating.

The two women, you get along with pretty well, what with the number of double dates you've gone on with them for years. This almost brings you back to the old days, when everything was fine and happy and... perfect.

It wasn't until they left that you find yourself stumbling into the bathroom while he's showering, that you get close to that feeling again. Your clothes get completely wet, and you're pretty sure you just ruined a perfectly good pair of heels, but you don't find it in you to stop yourself from crashing your lips into his.

And for the one hour left of your birthday, when your back is glued to the cold tile wall and he's holding you as you're riding down your high, you realize that everything in this moment is in fact _fine, happy and... perfect_.

—

"Babe, Sofia's staying with me tonight. I'd understand if you don't wanna come over after work."

"Well hello to you too." You tease, as you grab your tray and start looking for the table your friends are in. Meredith waves you over and you nod at her. "I'll see you tomorrow, then?"

He nods, giving you a kiss before you go your separate ways.

All throughout work that day, Alex keeps teasing you telling you Mark doesn't want you there because he doesn't want you to meet Sofia. _He probably knows you guys will just break up again,_ he said. _No offense, it's just what you guys do._

It was a joke, but you swear you almost smacked Alex Karev right then and there.

So you walk your insecure ass right over to his apartment that night, wanting answers. It isn't until he's opened the door and you hear Sofia wailing in the background that you suddenly wish you hadn't come at all.

The look of surprise and confusion that he gives you could almost make you laugh, combined with the oddly colored stains on his shirt. He leaves you by the door with _Lex_ as the only acknowledgment, as he goes to pick up his daughter.

And then, you remember. Sofia has the stomach flu. He told you yesterday, and you completely forgot. Here you are marching for answers on why he wouldn't let you meet his daughter when that's all there was — she's sick. Relief hits you so hard, your face breaks into a smile.

"Give her to me." You take Sofia in your arms and comfort her until you both fall asleep on the couch.

Waking up sick the next morning was the only downside to it all, but as Arizona slowly walks her daughter out of your boyfriend's apartment, you just know that that little smile and _Bye-bye Lexie_ was worth it.

Suck it, Alex Karev.

—

"Are you sure about it this time? This is like the fifteenth time that you guys have been in this cycle."

Meredith says, as you're helping her prepare dinner. Why you and Mark decided to come clean about getting back together to your judgmental older sister and her husband, you have no idea.

"Just let me do this, okay? If it's not meant to be, it's fine. I'll deal with it. I'll find someone. No big deal."

"It hasn't been meant to be for years, but you still keep pushing." She mumbles, just loud enough for you to hear.

You put the plates down, and look at her sternly. You still don't get why she'd judge you for this relationship, when she and Derek had been wrong on so many levels before, but still made it work.

You leave her in the kitchen as you go set the table, taking a quick glance at Mark who is outside, talking to somebody on the phone. You bring your focus back on the table, making sure nobody sees when you slip poison into your sister's drink. The thought leaves you giggling all by yourself.

"Hey, who was that?" Mark looks at you as he walks back through the front door, his expression completely different. You give him a warm smile, and he doesn't return it. Your stomach starts clenching, knowing something isn't right.

"Julia."


	5. Chapter 5

I'm so sorry it took so long. School's been keeping me busy so I only have the weekends to write. Also, thank you everyone for the nice words, I love reading them :)

—

Your back hurts.

Usually, this stems from good all-night sex that's got you bent in different ways, but today, it's completely different. You've been driving for hours, and in silence. Taking the plane would've made it easier for you, but he's been fidgety and suggested the roadtrip, saying he needed the hours to think.

There is nothing you want more than to ease his worries, to hold him, and feel like it's _working_. But his mind is far away, somewhere you can barely reach... _somewhere he wouldn't let you reach_. And it's breaking your heart.

When you finally reach Phoenix, and you step into the hospital room with him, your heart breaks even more. He holds his newborn in his arms, as Julia watches from the bed, smiling. They engage in happy conversation, and you just stand there by the door, forgotten.

 _Why the hell did I even come?_

—

"I bought you a plane ticket back to Seattle. As a thank you for driving me all the way here."

You turn your head towards him, as he sits on the edge of the bed, looking down, his back facing you. "You're not coming home with me?"

"They need me, Lex." He slowly positions himself right beside you, and you watch as his face suddenly becomes unreadable. And you just know that he is in that damned place you can't reach.

"How long are you staying here? I can help you out and let the Chief know."

He was silent. His eyes still glued down to his fidgeting hands. _Something is wrong._ You can feel it.

"I might... move here. Julia's asking me to move, so we could try again. Be a family."

Your entire world crashes. _What about me?_ goes on and on in your head like a stupid loop. You're back to where you started. It's always going to be the same thing over and over again, and you just can't do it anymore. It's desperation — you'll beg if you have to. Beg to make it work, beg for him not to leave you.

"What about me?" You finally voice out.

He faces you and just watches as you break down in tears in front of him, the way you did a million times before.

—

Four years ago, a week after the first time you and Mark had a big fight, you found yourself crying in the resident's lounge. You weren't sure if it was because you miss him or just because you're really, really tired from that 36-hour shift.

He hasn't come over since then, and you haven't made a move to go to his apartment either. Neither of you has made a move, and you're wondering whether or not this means you are now broken up. After all, you've seen him laughing (maybe flirting, even) with a young nurse (about your age) this morning.

So you make your way to the pit, where you know he is, stitching someone's face or debriding someone's burns. An attempt to do a confrontation you didn't know you had in you.

"Are you still my boyfriend?" You say when you find him stitching someone's arm up and he looks at you, surprised. "Because if you are, then I don't wanna fight anymore. And if you're not—"

"I am." He says quickly. "I am."

Your face softens, and the warm feeling takes over you, making you realize how much you've missed him the entire week. He's your best friend and your lover, all in one, and it has been a tough week without him.

You bend down to kiss him, and his tongue quickly swipes over your bottom lip, making you smile. "I miss you. Come home with me."

"I would _never_ say no to that."

One smile, and you know you are whipped.

—

It took a couple of minutes before he notices you standing right outside the door and he walks towards you.

Your flight is in a couple of hours, and when you woke up this morning, he was already gone. The questions just keep piling up in your mind even more, you couldn't take it.

"I just wanted to say goodbye. I mean, I don't know when I'll see you again, or if I ever will, so..." Your voice cracks and you wipe the tear threatening to fall from the corner of your eye.

"Lex..." His hand reaches out to touch you, but you step back. He was so cold to you last night, you just wanted it to end that way. You figured it's easier to leave when you hate him.

You wrap your arms around yourself for comfort, and you realize it works better when he does it. How did it all come down to this? Every time you try again, it all gets messed up in a bigger web than you were in before. _Meredith's right. You never learn._ "I really love you, you know. It's stupid. Everytime you ask, I take you back in, because it's... you. And all I wanted in return was for you to choose me, to put my name on top of your list. And you never... all you do is break me."

The tears you were holding back all come to the surface, and you struggle not to have another breakdown in public. You couldn't look him in the eye, not when you know all you're going to see is pity.

"Lex." He breathes, and holds you tight. You bury your face in his shirt, trying to take him in from the last time. When he speaks again, your knees go weak, you would've fallen to the ground if he wasn't holding you up.

"I came here to say goodbye to them. I chose you. Let's go home."

—

"So he just... dropped them? Just like that?"

Meredith asks you during lunch at the cafeteria, her judgy eyes matching her equally judgy tone. You roll your eyes at her. Sometimes you just hate how much of a gossip she is.

"You don't feel bad that you're taking away the kid's chance to have a complete family?" She says and you reach over the table to slap her sandwich off her hands.

It lands on the floor and the usual angry _Lexie!_ has heads turning towards your direction.

"I was gonna eat that! You're really immature." She wipes the smudged mayonnaise from her fingers and glares at you even more.

You shrug, and go back to eating your food. "You know, I wish sometimes you'd take my side."

"I _am_ always on your side."

"You're not though, Mer. Not when I have to go this far trying to defend him and our relationship. I love him. He makes me happy."

Meredith sighs, and steals a chip from your plate. "I know. But you're my sister. And you've been down this road way too many times and I always have to be the one to pick up the pieces. If he breaks you again, Lexie..."

"Maybe not this time. Maybe this time it'll work."

—

You were on your way home when you pass by the attendings' lounge, and see him sitting on the couch, deep in thought.

"Hey." You say, and give him a warm smile. "You okay?"

He smiles back at you, and rubs the back of your neck when you sit beside him. "I'm fine. Just thinking about my kid."

"I'm sorry."

"No, it's not your fault." He says, looking back down at his feet. "Julia, she's... she cheated on me while we were together. And she left me to run away with her ex-boyfriend. She admitted it to me when I went to say goodbye. I don't even know why I'm still calling him my kid."

Overwhelming relief washes over you and you pull him towards you, holding him tight. And you know now — that he doesn't want anyone to know, because he got so excited about "his son" for months, only for it to blow up in his face. But he told you.

"You going home?" He changes the topic almost as quickly as he started it.

You nod, knowing he's stuck in the hospital for the entire night. It almost makes you wanna stay here with him instead of going home to an empty apartment and an empty bed.

When you say your goodbyes a few minutes later, you stop in your tracks by the doorway at the sound of his voice calling your name. It was all you needed at the moment, and the dark cloud looming above you for days now finally leaves you.

"I love you."

—

A month later, when you were in your undies making breakfast at his apartment, he comes out of the bedroom and puts down a small box right on the counter next to the stove.

You watch romantic comedies, you knew what it was. Your heart starts to pound, and your breath hitches at your throat. You turn to face him, and he's already looking at you, watching your every reaction.

"I'm not good at these things, and I haven't really prepared anything at all, except for this ring. It's been... at the very back of my closet for years now, waiting for the right time. And I know, that I want to do it here, at home, just the two of us."

You listen intently, getting a grip on the counter to stop yourself from shaking so much.

"This is the place where we are most ourselves. Where we've seen each other at our happiest and our lowest. These four walls have seen us fight and make up over and over again." He chuckles softly and pauses before speaking again. "And it is in this place where I realized that it's always gonna be you. I've seen life both ways — with you and without you. And babe, I don't ever want to be alone or be with someone else for another second. I've chosen from the very first moment you walked in my hotel room five years ago. It's you."

"I love you, Alexandra Caroline Grey. Marry me."


End file.
